Trial separations are all the rage among celebrity couples. But do they give relationships helpful breathing space – or just delay the inevitable? Genevieve Roberts reports.
Penny Mansfield, director of relationship charity One Plus One, suggests the rich and the famous "have to account for themselves if they are going through a rough patch", which may lead to more trial separations.
She says: "Many couples go through a lower profile version – spending less time together, sleeping in separate bedrooms – which may be an equivalent way of finding space and working out what to do."
Relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam, author of The New Joy of Sex, suggests all separations are, by definition, trial separations, whatever name the couple chooses. "People contacting me who have already split up wouldn't be getting in touch unless they hoped to get back together. Couples who immediately file for divorce are not having a trial separation – everything else is, by nature, a trial. In most couples, at least one will be hoping they get back together. However, sometimes the other is sure it is over, but isn't yet saying."
The outlook for relationships after a trial separation is variable: 10 per cent of couples in ongoing marriages have split up and got back together, according to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, which also suggests that a third of reconciliations are successful, with couples remaining together a year after they split up. Couples are only half as likely to seek counselling if they are no longer living together.
Just as all relationships have their share of eccentricities, there is no one-size-fits-all trial separation. As Andrew Balfour, director of clinical services at the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, explains: "For some, a trial may be a developmental move: they can't see the wood from the trees, or this helps break out of repeating patterns. It's an attempt to get emotional space and perspective because when they're together they're swept along by intense feelings. Others may be trying to wean themselves off the relationship. One partner may want it more than the other."
So, if your relationship's on the rocks, is it a good idea to take a break? A trial time apart provides space to give perspective. "It can give a chance to think without the daily stress of interacting with someone you're fighting with," Quilliam says. Her advice varies from couple to couple. "I warn that living separately won't help on its own. With professional help, there's no guarantee of staying together, but I guarantee it will help make a better decision." She says even if one half of a couple goes to counselling, "it can make a difference".
There are other advantages to a trial separation. Mansfield says: "It may be helpful for those wary of a Big Exit, particularly if children are involved." Northam adds that if there is emotional abuse, addiction problems or mental-health problems then a trial separation could be wise.
On the downside, she says it's easier to create time if partners are living together. And you're sending a message to the world that you are considering separating. "You are telling everyone your marriage is in trouble and people can't really ignore that." Mansfield agrees: "Public knowledge can add to problems if people start to take sides."
If you do choose a trial separation, Quilliam says you should make sure to be very clear about what it means, asking yourselves: "Is there a chance we'll get back together? Are we dating other people? What if we end up back in bed after seeing each other, does that mean we're back together?".
Mansfield recommends people take extra care when explaining the situation to children. "The worst thing to say is that you don't know what is going on," she says. "Children like security. Give them confidence that someone is taking charge, reassure them you are sorting it out. Acknowledge there is something wrong. Parents should keep children informed only up to a level they can cope with."
While there are no guarantees of reconciliation, time is of the essence: "The longer you are apart, the less likely you are to get back together," Quilliam says. "Though I've known couples separate for a couple of years and get back together, and other couples who after six weeks, one half has decided they want a divorce."
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