A is for Angst. Teenagers are often full of angst. They worry about not having the right clothes or not receiving a text. Their lives are full of problems; sadly the larger the child the larger the worry.
B is for Bored. All teenagers suffer from this syndrome. Life is boring, their house is boring and you their parent are probably the most boring of all.
C is for Cool. Things that please them are cool, but it definitely isn't 'cool' for you to use the word. If it's not 'cool' then it could be 'sick' which is even better.
D is for Dirty washing as in mounds of it. Teenagers are rarely capable of putting washing into a laundry basket. Strangely they only feel the need to present armfuls – with the sort of smile that indicates they are doing you a huge favour - when either you are
a) just going out
b) you've just sat down or
c) the washing machine has packed in.
E is for Expensive tastes. We've all read those articles about how much it costs to bring up a child. Well, the ones I read omitted the part that said 90% would be spent during the teenage years.
F is for Food fests. Your fridge can be full one minute and empty the next, unless you count the tubes of tomato purée and out of date pickles. Not even my teens would make a sandwich out of those.
G is for Gross. Rotting sweaty socks and half empty yoghurt pots growing mould all placed 'carefully' under the bed.
H is for Hearing problems. The ones they're likely to develop if they continue wearing headphones 24/7.
I is for Innocence. Few teens are innocent, this only refers to the look they give when you accuse them of emptying the fridge.
J is for Jokes. They will be so rude you're not sure you've understood them. But they'll definitely be funnier than earlier efforts.
K is for Kevin the ultimate teenager. If you don't know who he is I recommend you Google him.
L is for Look, the one they give you when you say, do something, or make assumptions that are incorrect. In fact you'll probably get The Look before the words leave your mouth. Best only to speak when you're spoken to.
M is for Might do, an extremely irritating phrase coupled with a grin that is the stock response to any requests you may make.
N is for Night time. Teenagers have a different concept of night and day and it's been proven that their circadian rhythms are different. Apparently we should let them sleep as long as they wish because otherwise they will become sleep deprived and grumpy. Oh surely not!
O is for Onesie. Those giant babygros that teenagers like to wear to bed, to slob around in, in fact all the time.
P is for Personal Hygiene. No matter how much you may have needed to coerce them into washing before the age of 12, once they become teenagers they will spend every free moment in the bathroom.
Q is for Questions. This species doesn't react well to questions so they are best avoided.
R is for Ring, as in ring me. Sadly teenagers often misunderstand the simplest of instructions.
S is for Sex. Don't even think about it, just pretend they don't think about it either!
T is for Toast. The desire to eat toast peaks mid teens, which translates to crumbs, butter smears and jam on every surface and floor.
U is for Unimpressed. Teens claim to be unimpressed by most things, particularly their parents.
V is for Vomit. It's usually related to over-indulgence in alcohol. You may smugly think, no not my teenager and you might be right - but unlikely. They probably just threw up in someone else's house or car.
W is for Wifi. Teenagers need Wifi like they need oxygen. If deprived of it they may go pale, clammy and show signs of stress.
X is for Xbox. That child unfriendly games console that allows you to run over people, shoot guns and generally be aggressive all in the name of entertainment!
Y is for Yell. You can't speak to a teenager in a normal level of decibels because otherwise they'll ignore you, either because they genuinely can't hear you – headphones – or they choose not to. After all what you say probably isn't worth hearing.
Z is for Zoo. This is where teenagers should be living – on their strop days anyway. Wannabees could visit and observe before finally deciding to go down the tortuous and often painful route of parenthood.
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